Fan Mail Anonymous
by hotpinkflamingo
Summary: What if the students and professors of Hogwarts answered fan mail? You would get this.
1. Snape Says

Fan Mail Anonymous

Disclaimer: I own the stupidity not the characters. If I did own the books then it would be called Harry Potter and the Blueberry Muffin. Also any other copyrighted material mentioned I don not own.

Author Note: Hello everyone! I was sitting here on this computer and this idea struck me. What if I had Hogwarts teachers and students of Hogwarts answer random fan mail. Chaos would ensue along with something slightly humorous I hope. As always R&R or (for the abbreviation disinclined) Read and Review.

Your dearest Author,

Hotpinkflamingo

Chapter 1: Professor Snape Answers Some Random Question In a Very Disgruntled  
Way

Dear Professor Snape,

I have a few questions concerning you and the wonderful world of Harry Potter. I would be very thankful if you answered them all. How did the giant squid get into the lake? Why did you become a potions master? Why are you so mean to Harry Potter? What's your favorite color?

Thanks,

Timmy L.

Dear Wonder Boy,

First of all I want to know how a Muggle managed to send a letter to me. Second, who says the world is so magical and belongs to Harry Potter? Last time I checked I lived there too. Why can't it be called "The Magical World of The Potions Master Snape?" It has a nice ring to it. Everything is about the Boy Who Lived. Whoop-dee-do. Still that doesn't give him the right to have the whole world named after him. Ok start being thankful because Dumbledore thinks it would be "amusing" if I answered fan mail. How did I start getting fan mail? Well I suppose if you have 5 progressively larger books and 3 feature films...

All right, first question. How did the giant squid get into the lake? How am I supposed to know? Do I look like an Squidologist? How did anything get into that lake? I guess it went one day, "Gee let's move to a lake by a magical castle so random Muggles can write in letters to annoy the potions master." I think he moved here because of the abundance of free toast. Apparently he has a whole cartoon character based on him. Squidward. Wow real creative there. The idea of the giant squid playing the clarinet is absurd. He obviously plays the electric triangle.

Second question. Why did I become the potions master? Because I am a master of potions. I became the perfect could-be-evil could-be-not character for the protagonist of a best-selling children's novel, plus potions just sounds cool. Who wants to be Snape the Care of Magical Creatures Master? How unscary sounding is that? It sounds like I walk around and pet fluffy bunnies for a job. Not that I do that or anything...

Third question. Why am I so mean to the Harry Potter? How do you know I'm being mean to him? He's the one with the point of view? How do you know that I'm not the nicest guy but I'm being portrayed as a big mean Potions Master? Ok never mind your right. I just don't like the kid. How can you like someone who saved the world, not once, but multiple times? Oh I know all about that prophecy. I've read all the books of course. He's obviously going to defeat The Dark Lord. J.K. Rowling is not going to destroy the world in a children's book. He's just someone you love to hate. All right?

Last question. What is my favorite color? Black. Duh. Now that your head is buzzing with information you can leave me in as much peace as can get with The Golden Trio running around.

The Potions Master,

Severus Snape

Dear Snape,

I've been so zoned in onto the new One Tree Hill that I totally forgot to do my report on the Revolutionary War! What should I do?

-Missy M.

P.S. How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Dear Fanatic,

1. When did I become Dear Abby? 2. What is One Tree Hill? What is so interesting about a tree on a hill? Absolutely nothing! 3. We lost the Revolutionary War and you're expecting me to help you right a report on it? I have to though because a certain headmaster believes it to be humorous.

The Revolutionary War

By Missy the Fanatic of Trees on Hills

Be sure to have some cool drawing of some British Flags and some red stick figures stomping on some Yanks. Then go right into the body.

"The Revolutionary War was fought the between the Almighty British People against some backwash Yankees. Of course the British were snazzy in their red coats. Then those French came over and helped you, ruining our giant game of Chinese checkers by distracting us with their outrageous accents."

The End

Next time don't dedicate your whole entire day to a tree on a hill. I swear you Americans finally stop watching television but now your watching trees. I don't even know what a television is! Trees I ask you. Next big thing will be carrying a virtual blob in your pockets.

As to your second question, what the deuce is a woodchuck? I have never seen a woodchuck so how do I know how much wood it can chuck? If you care so much go set up a woodchuck camera and see how much wood it chucks. Wait! You're to busy watching that one tree on a hill. Maybe you can use the one tree on a hill to lure the woodchuck in. I don't even know what chuck is. Let's see... it means to toss or throw. Wow you learn something everyday. Maybe you should stop watching trees and start watching woodchucks.

The Potions Master,

Severus Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

I am a HUGE fan of the Harry Potter Series! I try to read the series once every two months. My favorite one is The Order of Phoenix. I just love how Harry has to save the world. Harry is my favorite character! I almost adore the movies as much as the books. Daniel Radcliff is so hot! I even have my own Harry Potter website www.iloveharrypotterwithallmyheart.not. I am a Gryffindor according to all the tests. I once got Slytherin and I started to cry! Then I went back and took it again and was placed in the rightful house. This Halloween I am dressing up as Golden Snitch. I've been working on it since June. I just adore everything about the books!

An avid fan,

Terry P.

Dear the True Definition of Fanatic,

I am The Potions Master Snape and Head of the noble house of Slytherin. Why did you write this letter to me Harry's longest running most hated teacher. Oh I know all about the Umbridge. I had to deal with her too. I win the Longest Time Being Hated Teacher Award.

Do I truly care how you waste your time? No I don't unless it wastes my time, which it is in this case. Do I care if you love Harry Potter? No I really don't. I don't care that you waste your precious youth and social life reading these overly large children's books repeatedly. How can you like the 5th book best? Nobody actually likes that one! Have you seen the paperback version of it? How can little kids hold it let alone have the attention span to actually read it? Besides the whole plot is so cliché now. Ever since Cedric was killed the books have steadily went downhill. Nobody wants to read about another angst-ridden teenager that has to save the world. How boring and overdone! If I wanted to teenage angst I could just walk outside! I never would have guessed Harry was your favorite character. The whole book is written after his so called adventure. Then there are the movies. It is absurd that a whole year of my life would be crammed into 3 short hours. Impossible! We don't have random clocks chiming the wrong time or any kamikaze bluebirds on the Whoomping Willow to represent the abstract idea of time and seasons passing.

Then you have your own website. You're even more obsessed than I thought before. It seems people feel the urge to discuss the hidden clues of socks in the books. Maybe J.K.Rowling has a sock fetish? It's amazing how many people actually have websites dedicated to the freak with a scar. Go to Google (now a internationally traded stock) and type in Harry Potter. You'll get pages upon pages of things related to him. I'm sure you are one of those freaks who will check the websites every two hours for updates. Who cares if the actor who plays Harry Potter went to the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert? You shouldn't care. So what if he likes a band? Won't make a difference. Ever.

You most certainly sound like a die hard Gryffindor. Only those who get put in that house would dedicate this much time to an obsession. You might truly not be Gryffindork ahem Gryffindor. Those tests are so easy to discern the different houses in the answers. You might not want to be a seeker but you know that will get you put into Gryffindor so you pick it.

The Golden Snitch as a Halloween costume. Do you really think anyone will know what you are? Wait never mind. Everyone knows about that now thanks to the Harry Potter insert merchandise here . Still you will be a freak! A Harry Potter Freak. You might take that as being something good. I mean it in the way it should be used.  
You are a FREAK.

My advice to you: get a life. Quit obsessing over fictional characters producing a revenue of millions everyday. Are you trying to become Harry Potter? Do you dream of becoming Mrs. Harry Potter? I really hope that Terry is a girl's name in this case... Just get a life all right?

The Potions Master,

Severus Snape

The Author Returns: Ok everyone what do you think? I know it is short. I promise to make it longer I just need reviews from you to encourage me to do another fan mail episode. I was turning into Foamy at the end. Ok REVIEW. My goal is 10. I would love to surpass that. Please make me feel loved! I will mention if you reviewed so you feel loved all right? REVIEW!!!!

Hotpinkflamingo


	2. Dear Voldemort

**Fan Mail Anonymous**

Disclaimer: Don't own anything except for a penguin named Opus.

Author Note: WOW! You guys rock! 61 reviews on my first chapter! You made my day. Sorry about spelling Whomping and Radcliffe wrong. I was stranded without Internet. Also my updates will be random. I have a tough year at school this year. Just so everyone knows I do like Harry Potter. It's just fun to make fun of. Sorry for taking forever! Without further to do my reviews!

Jakeepsteinlover: You like my name so you get mentioned first! Thanks for reading.

Ali- I will try to incorporate your idea into a later chapter! Inflatable carrots are all the rage.

Kitty: Great letter! Loved it. Maybe I'll use it if I go back to Snape. Who knows?

Woe to me: I also really really hope Terry is a girl :'). Thanks! Here is the update.

Aria327: Mary you are too sexy for your goggles!

I-Love-To-Learn: I love to learn too Allison!

Weirgate: Well hey. My brain is terribly unbalanced. I did warn you at the beginning. If you don't like it don't read. It will be basically the same. My personality is to be way out there. I think you sorta liked it. Just a little. Besides more than 98 liked it.

And everyone else: Zimo, Kelzilla, mysterychatter9, Sasha Adrien, sara, Isis3110, persephone, littlemisschaos, Jayki, Aslee v, PassTheButterBeer43521, Hawaiin-Rachael, nixie pixie, Kacie, NeVeRmInD2, Librarian of the Deep, Becky, Pokkie Squishie, Luny Lady, Z-ro, Little Tigger, p0ptartt( way to fight the numbers!), Dogstar16, Hrary Ptoetr Ferak, Shanna ( thanks for the idea because it's used below), Not A Homicidal Maniac (love the name, I'm more Not a Serial Killer), cherrybubbles12, Shadowvixen90, rebel with a crappy attit, Specialness1220, angelchic4ver (disturbing brothers since 1991) , Severoina Black, WiDz, MindGame, j752572, SiriusViolinGirl, Phoenixe-Flame, Kimi, Lady Yuna Star, seven4657, anonymous (why am I writing that? Well it's the one anonymous.), so-Unpredictable, sparklythings, Melissa (HI!), iWILLmarrydanielradcliffe, Rachel, Adelaide E, SuspiciousHick ( Spiffy name), oasis, starswinger, jekl, wrc g-rp, simply obsessed, and ann. THANK YOU SO MUCH! Cheered me up a ton. Here is the update! Finally most of you would say

Just for clarification: I am writing each chapter from a different characters point of view. Just so you know. I might go back to Snape because he's fun to write.

HotPINKflamingo

Author's PS: If you don't like the humor in the first don't waste your time with this second chapter!

**Voldemort Says**

Dear Voldemort,

All of the sudden an odd creature has started to live in my house. My parents seem to call it "Spike" and they say it is a dawge? It stands on 4 legs and is covered in short, brown hair. It is the biggest mutated squirrel I have ever seen in my life! It eats from a bowl, which contains little dry pieces of food. It likes to make loud noises at the mailman. It also picks up things with its mouth! Once it bit me and left an impression on my skin! I beseech you and your vast knowledge to answer my question!

Sincerely,

Left With a Mutated Squirrel

Dear Mutated Squirrel Person,

You are a prime example of why I want to destroy all Muggles and Mudbloods. A DOG! You know a canine. Descendent of the wolf? Chases balls and drools all over? YES A DOG! I am the DARK LORD VOLDEMORT and I am forced to deal with this naïve fools? Why am I doing this? Ah, part of my contract. Haven't you ever seen a dog before? They like to frolic around looking cute, fuzzy, and are warm blooded. How can you have never seen a dog before? That's why I prefer snakes. They can slither along and not shed like crazy all over. They eat whatever than can find. They only hiss at mail people. Perhaps I shall send Nagini over and let her bite you. It won't kill you or anything… right. No mutated squirrels, yet!

Manically Yours,

Voldemort

Dear Voldemort,

I'm a distinguished member of EDU (Evil Doers United) and frankly I am ashamed of your actions regarding the evilness of your actions. First of all you failed to be mentioned in the 3rd book. If you are so evil why are you left entirely out of a book? Do you ever see the wonderful, glorious Count Olaf missing from A Series of Unfortunate Events? Why no because without that staple character it falls apart. Next I would like to address your choice of attire. I know you have been in a ghostly vapor for the past 15 years but obviously black mysterious cloaks went out of fashion long ago. A fellow member, who is a leader of fashion and girlfriend to a wonderful and stupendous man named Count Olaf, says I must address this issue with you before we invite you to join this prestigious club. Another complaint is your symbol. A skull is so over done. Now if you were able to address and fix these problems we might consider you joining this prestigious club.

Sincerely,

O

Dear O,

I am quite shocked that you would dare mock THE GREATEST DARK LORD EVER. I mean, I have a wand and a spell that can kill you. What's more evil and scary than that? Now to address your first complaint about my no show in the 3rd book, I have a very good excuse. That year was a very hectic one indeed. First, do you know how hard it is to find a good body to carry my spirit around? Not so easy. First I tried deer. They had a tendency to get hit my fast moving balls of steel. Crazy Muggles. World would be a lot better off without them but I digress. Next I tried aardvarks. They were in short supply in Europe for some odd reason. Once I finally was able to get to civilization, I had much work to do constructing an evil plan in the comfort of my evil lair. Overall it was just a stressful year.

To address your next issue regarding the dark mysterious cloaks. Dark, mysterious cloaks will never go out of fashion. They're like a good pair of jeans. Besides, a nice pair of corduroy pants and a sports jacket just doesn't give the same illusion as ominous black cloaks. The cloaks are just cool.

Now to comment on your last "problem", the Dark Mark, witches and wizards everywhere run from the site of it and you mock it? It is a human skull with a snake! How much scarier can you get? Oh maybe you do have a point. Perhaps I can rework it so it's Michael Jackson's face with a snake coming out of his mouth. Just a thought. Now that I have commented on all your suggestions, I would never join your snooty club anyway. I am the DARK LORD VOLDEMORT! I bow to mere mortal. Not even the queen! Your letter has been burned and I have severely reprimanded the ashes.

Good day,

Lord Voldemort

Dear Lord FancyPants,

So you are the most feared wizard on the world but are you the smartest? Lets find out shall we? These questions have been nagging me for quite a while. First question, why do they call "animal crackers" crackers? They are obviously cookies! My next question is why do important people get to be called assassinated when regular old people are just called murdered? It's unjust! Third question is why did Yankee Doodle have the feather in his hat called macaroni? Macaroni is quite good. My last question is how many licks does it really take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Thanks for some answers!

Signed,

Shannon, MI.

Dear Shannon MI,

MI is such a strange last name. Are both letters supposed to be capitalized? Oh well, to your questions. Why are animal crackers called crackers when they are cookies? What Muggle's idea was it to take poor, innocent animals and turn them into cookies for consumption? He is an absolute genius. I know exactly why he called them crackers. He was trying to get all the people on diets fat by making them THINK they are eating crackers but in reality are eating cookies! What an ingenious plan. Why didn't I think of something so maniacal?

Your second question concerns why do important people get to use the word assassination. Well they use it because it sounds longer and more important sounding then murdered. Assassinated has such a ring to it like DARK LORD VOLDEMRORT rather than Tom Riddle. The government always has to be better than you. Haven't you learned that yet?

Now to answer your third question regarding Yankee Doodle's feather named macaroni. Well ummmmm, the songwriter was hungry. He really wanted some burgers but instead he ended up having macaroni. He thought about how spiffy of a word it is and decided to randomly insert it into the song. The rest is history. You crazy Yanks, I swear. You name feathers macaroni. Yes.

Last question. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Haven't you seen those commercials with the owl? He says 3. He has glasses on so he is obviously right. Now they even have a Tootsie Pop lick counter! You could go out and buy one of those. You could also do it the old fashioned way by just counting the number of licks. I'm on 1,543 I mean I would never stoop to eating a Muggle's candy. How ridiculous! Stop bothering me with your petty questions!

Lord Voldemort

Author Returns: Ok. So Count Olaf came in. Hope you have read or seen A Series of Unfortunate Events. No offense to Michael Jackson. His music is awesome just not him. Besides I couldn't resist. Yes everybody feel free to write a letter! It will greatly help and you will get lots of credit and such! Review and please be nice! I'll try to update again once I have a chance. Sorry it's a bit short. I was thinking either Draco or Ron next time. Also sorry for the lack of One Tree Hill bashing. Next time be ready for the O.C. :giggles manically:

Lovingly, The Hotpinkflamingo


	3. A nice Quickie From Dear Volide

Another Quickie from Dear Voldie

I got this letter and decided to answer it since it's funny and I've been mean about not updating hehe. Here we go. I'm not procrastinating or anything….

Dear Voldie,

I hope you don't mind me calling you that because I think it's a cute nickname. Anyway, what kind of shoes does an evil villain wear? I mean it's not exactly like you can just go into a shoe store to buy shoes. And what shoes look evil? Anyway, that wasn't my main question. I am an avid reader of the series, and I'm sorry to say, but your chances of survival don't look too good. Not that I love Harry himself or anything. If you ask me, he's a bit of an annoying brat, but he's probably going to kill you. Sorry to dampen your mood. But if you did manage to kill him without dying yourself, what would your plans be? I mean, what would you do when your worst enemy is dead? What would your goal in life be after that?

Yours sincerely,

Book-Fanatic-Who-Has-Read-The-Series-That-You-Are-In-About-Fifty-Six-Times.

Dear Shoe Fetish Fan,

I am the Dark Lord Voldemort and you can ask about anything and you ask about shoes? Muggles, I swear. Yes to answer your question about shoes. Well there is this lovely place… I mean manically evil place, down is Knockturn Alley. It's called PAYLESS! Yes all ye who fear cheap footwear! Well in this delightfully evil place we get fashionable knock off brand shoes at A DISCCOUNT! How evil? Ripping off the big labels! Never has a more wicked idea ever come around. I quite like those New Balance-looking-but-are-actually-not shoes. One must not be uncomfortable while torturing the masses! Of course we shall not let anyone see our marvelous discovery of the discount shoe store so we wear those extremely long robes. This allows only us onto the secret that is Payless.

Now onto your supposed "more important" question. Me being killed by such an angsty teenager as Harry Potter! Preposterous! So what if good is supposed to always defeat evil. From my point of view it seems as if I am the good guy so therefore the good guy cannot die. Quiver in front of my infallible logic! The odds are against me I must admit. I did check last time I was in Las Vegas. This is just to discourage anybody from betting on me so when I do win they make a lot of money . Maybe I should get into the casino business but once again I digress. ONCE I do indeed beat the angst-ridden teenager after waiting so long for the books to come out, I have many other things to do. Read my well thought out list!

Lord and Master of The World Lord Voldemort's List of Things To Do Once the World Is His

1.Destroy all the Muggles

2.Destroy the Muggles some more

3.Start my own stock company Everything Voldemort Inc Limbo or EVIL as the stock symbol. So what if it doesn't make sense and stock symbols are only 3 letters long? I rule the world after all. I just like my evil use of letters again.

4.Open own chain of fast food that will make everybody fat!

5.Buy a trampoline. All evil overlords need a trampoline.

6.Immortality of course.

7.My own 2 lane bowling alley in my home

8.Mangle the decomposing Muggles some more

9.Own the Internet!

10.Learn to play the tambourine.

The list continues on and on but I must save some surprises. As soon as the 7th book comes out and you see how it all turns out, be sure to invest in our stock! Look me giving advice. Yes you should be happy.

The Dark Lord Voldemort

Author: Yes I know. Just a quickie. I couldn't resist. I do not own Harry potter nor Payless.


	4. Draco Darling

**Chapter 3 Draco Darling**

Thingy: I don't any of the stuff. Yeah yeah. Oh yes it's called a disclaimer!

**Author Note:** WOW! Sorry I took so long. Summer went to fast now I'm back in school! It's all a crazy crazy world. Harry Potter has come out and such. Sorta ruins the whole stuff. Just imagine certain people aren't dead! Obviously this chapter is all about Draco because an overwelming amount wanted him. So without a further a do the reviewer thanks:

Gwenevere, Queen of Slytherin- Excellent idea as it is what I planned on doing. Great minds think alike.

FlairVerona- When I get back to Snape I shall consider using that. Yes Michael Jackson is very fun to make fun of.

j752572- DAVID BOWIE! I shall try to work him in next time. Glad you liked Olaf.

Itwasmyidea- Firenze… that would be intersting :maniacle laughter:

iWILLmarryDanielRadcliffe- I'm thinking Ron next chapter and feel free to write letter.

Crimson Blood Dressed- I shall keep that in mind when I get myself to write to dear Dumbles.

the-book-dragon- I also find mosquito and police officers annoying.

Ali- Alas sorry for my lack of inflatable carrots. They shall be a guest star sometime!

SuspiciousHick- Yipee! OC bashing. But alas I must postpone that until next chapter. Sorry. Hopefully this works just as well.

Aria327- Yes Mary I know you love the OC but I don't. Luckily you can read this chapter and not cringe. Good luck with your novel.

LameyDovey- Draco seems to be a favorite so your wish is my command.

suckr4romance- Tis fine but if you are suddenly struck with the Arrow of Idea and do not die feel free to write a letter.

Mary'sMinion22- Yipee! Those big giant mansions get very cold and boring. Do liven it up in the summer! Yes the tamborine thing made me giggle too

Person with way too much time- 450! Good job. I haven't been able to verify these findings because I'm lacking the proper tools ( a tootsie pop).

RachelTheStrange- Count Olaf rules! Thank you for the nicenss.

Lisa- Glad you figured it out. I am quite crazy. Just don't put me back in the white jacket!

EnchantedBlood- GENIUS! I'm a genius! It must be the apocolypse! Thank you for the extremely high praise! I like you.

iWILLmarryDanielRadcliffe- Projects are evil. Anywhat looks like Ron next chapter so write in a letter!

thehpgang- I think the One Tree Hill bashing was a high point in my life.

Blonk- Thanks for the compliments and sorry for the looong delay.

Lisa- I pride myself on my insanity.

Xox-Rachelle-oxo- Thank you. Count Olaf is quite fun

Lady Sonora The Balck Rose- Blippety bloop

Phishy2- Exactly my thinking!

Marie Teerensky- FREAKY!

Ellieo- AUSTRALIAN! Cool I love you just for that!

Just because I said so- Good my intention

3harry0potter5fan- I like your creative use of numbers

Hyper Pearl Girl- You msut be hyper to review 3 times!

Thank you all who reviewed ! I feel sooooo SPECIAL! Like that. In the review please write a letter or email me them. Also! Vote for who you want next: Ron or Dumbledore!

Also great thanks to PhoenixPlume for writing a letter! Here is your cookie ()…. It's oval alright?

Your Humble Author,

The Pink Flamingo

**Chapter 3 Draco Darling**

Dear Puff-the-Magic-Dragon,

I have often wondered why you think you are so evil. To be evil and intimidate people, you must play the role. The baby blonde hair just doesn't suit your supposed evil motives. You should get red contacts and have some plastic surgery to make your fingers longer. Long fingers make you look like you have spidery hands, and we all know spiders are creepy--I mean creepy to people like Harry Potter. After the surgery, practice cackling maniacally for ten minutes every day and wrinkling your nose at your parents (maybe they'll abandon you, so you can go murder them later, which will increase your Evilness Points). In a few years, maybe you'll be as good as me, erm, I mean Lord Voldemort. Maybe I'll, I mean, His Darkness, will even deign to call you a passable Lord Voldemort Wannabe.

Bad to the bone,

Tom M. Riddle

Dear Mr. Riddle Me This,

First off I am going to discuss your horrendous taste in names. Let's start with your name first shall we? Tom Riddle. What a common Muggle name. I'm sure the M. stands for something ridiculous like Mark or Marvolo. Marvolo is such a funny name. Anyway as for Puff the Magic Dragon…. What sort of name is that? A magic dragon named Puff. Oh how original right there. That's so cutesy it could even be made into a song…or a drug.

Why do I think I am so evil? Because. I. Am. Hasn't the whole I-Hate-Harry-Potter-And-Am-In-Slytherin thing tip you off? No? Me hating all Mudbloods. Still no? Come on. I'm a big bully! I create drama in Harry Potter's life! Get with it. I'm evil enough for the Boy Who Got Lucky so I think that makes me quite evil.

Now for your remarks about my looks. My so-called "baby blonde" hair is very evil indeed! Makes me look albino to a point. All albinos are creepy. Plus all the vampire shows have all the very evil bloodsucking vampires being BLONDE. Last time I checked vampires were pretty scary! Ok maybe not as scary as Carrot Top but still they are pretty creepy with the fangs. Now red contacts. There is the whole albino thing going again. Red is very stereotypical. All eye colors can be very scary just look at Tom Cruise. That guy is crazy! How do you know that I have short fingers? I could have very long ones! They never mention it in the book. Besides I wouldn't go into surgery because A. I don't believe in modification of the body you live in and B. I have no clue what plastic surgery is.

Now I will address the common misconception of cackling maniacally. Really it's not all it's cut out to be. Sure it's good here and there but it gets old very fast. I try to vary my routine by playing some evil music or giving an evil glare. Laughing maniacally is a classic but to cliché for use all the time. I use it sparingly.

Ok. Wrinkling your nose has nothing evil about it. Really. The only reason would be if I had to sneeze or was trying out for Bewitched…. not that I know anything about that! Anyway, I already have quite enough Evilness Points without the abandonment by my parents and sub sequential murder of them. Usually such clichés are left for the protagonist of the story.

Perhaps one day I shall equal the greatness of the Dark Lord. As of now I am a Death Eater in-training. Now I am done answering your letter you Muggle. Now why don't you go work on a fun anagram for your name?

Sneerily yours,

Draco

Dear Draco Poo,

U r so hawt! OMG I just want to gobble u all up. U trying to be evil makes me lmao. I know you are a deep sensitive guy and probably take long bubble baths with ur rubber ducky Herbert. I would 3 to know more about u though! Sort of like ur autobiography only a lot shorter b/c those get really boring after a while. Anyway, me and my bff we just was waz uping each otha when i came up w/ this idea to rite a letter to u about how AWESOME and HAWT u r. Just so u know. Anywayz, I was justa thinkin wat iz it like at Hoggywarts? R there random hawgs running around? Y is it called Hoggywarts? Ive never read the books b4 because they are sooooo long! I just watch the movies cuz of all the cuties in it!

Now I want 2 no all bout you Draco Poo. Have u ever visited Canada? They have such a cool flag! I wish i lived in Canada. They have loons! Ok so wat is your favorite food? I like pizza a hole lot! Do u really have an English accent? Accents r so cool! I no a guy who is almost as hawt as you. His name is Jon and he is from New England which is sorta like england but newer! Do u no him? I like him butt not as much as u! Ok last ?. Do u like chocolate chip cookies and dancing the Macarena? Thanx for responding cutie!

An Endearing, Adorable Person,

Cynthia P. Age 11

Dear Cynthia P. Age the Second,

What's with you Muggles and odd names? Draco Poo? I am certainly no one's poo. I don't even tan so I have no resemblance with poo! Then there is your name! Anybody with the word second at the end of his or her name is funny. HAHA! I mock your name.

MOCK IT!

Anyway. I can't even read your letter… are you sure that's English? Look there is a whole dictionary of slang, how useful. Now let's see… yes. I was right all along. YOU ARE A MORON! Yes that is in all caps. Apparently that equates to shouting in some way.

Now to first address your hotness comment. I totally agree. I am fabulous aren't I? I am quite evil! There is no doubt…. Slytherin. Come on! Ok about the rubber duckie! Nobody has rubber duckies anymore! No, purple penguins named Humphrey are much more stylish.

Ok it is HOGwarts. I do not know why it is called that nor should I care. Why nor go ask that Mudblood? I also agree with your assessment of the books being to long and boring. I see my part diminishing each book and Potter's incessant whining continuing on. It's so annoying! The school is not filled with pigs unless you count Weasley as one… I would.

I have never been to Canada and I do not intend to though they do have a leaf on their flag, which is rather cool, in an evil sort of way of course. Yes I am quite sure Canada is filled with loons, both the birds and the people. Now my favorite food is pie. Yes just plain old pie. It's rather sinister. It's very easy to burn a pie and make it HORRIBLE! Now I do have an accent but I don't notice it. New England is not better than England. I know nobody from New England nor do I intend to. The Macarena? What the deuce? I'm much more an Electric Slide…. I mean an evil wizard person!

Now go fawn away with the rest of my adoring fans

Draco

**Author Note**: First off I LOVE CANDA! Don't be offended please! Hehe. I just couldn't resist. Second off I know there is only 2 letters. Sorry. I'll finish Draco another time. My brain is just dead and such. Now vote!

DUMBLEDORE OR RON!

Thanks everyone! Sorry for the wait aaaaaand the very short amount of letters.


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